When Love Turns to Hate

Confession: I am an inconsistent blogger. I always have been and that is my cross to bear (I'll never be a full time blogger with this schedule haha). This year, however, I decided to do better-and I really tried-I nailed January and early February, but then I flared. For about 6-7 weeks I had absolutely no energy. I couldn't hold a book up long enough to read it, I barely tweeted in case it started a conversation that I knew I couldn't hold, I abandoned Instagram (tbf they abandoned us first) because I had no pictures left in my bank and the thought of taking more made me physically sick, and if I'm honest I don't actually remember turning my laptop on during that time. I was a broken toy. 
You've heard of the Spoon Theory, right? Well for that month and a half I probably had about 3 spoons a day, and they were all used up getting to, being at, and getting home from work. There were actually a couple of days there where my energy surged and I immediately grabbed for my notebook-but between the pain and the fibro fog, everything I wrote read like garbage. So I stopped trying! 


Somewhere around the beginning of April I began to wonder if I actually missed blogging? Would I be perfectly happy if I never updated the blog again? I genuinely considered shutting it all down, but then I realised- I love writing on the internet, I love reading other blogs, and I love a fair few bloggers. What I don't love is the pressure, the sameness, and the almost constant drama that flits around our little "community". So I'm shaking it off! 
I will no longer pressure myself to be like other bloggers, I will not feel bad for taking a break, sometimes I'll have to that's life, and I will no longer write posts just because they are expected of me (as a lifestyle blogger). 


I want to write about my conditions, about sexual assault, about politics, and feminism, about the people who inspire me, about people I fancy *cough Kristen Stewart cough*, about the things that make me tick. I want to share my experiences, be they travel, days out, or medical procedures. I want this blog to be full of me-all of me, and my life. Right now I feel it could have been written by literally anybody. 
If I'm honest this is what I've always wanted but somehow I got distracted by being a blogger. I adapted my posts to fit in with what other bloggers were writing, I wanted to be just like them, I bought into the lifestyle and for a while I loved it-and don't get me wrong I do still love being a blogger. I love the cliches, I love the events, and the chats, and the people, but I've grown to hate my own blog. What should be my favourite place on the internet has become a place I resent- and I'm not okay with that, so I'm taking back control. 


Wish me luck, and while I'm finding my feet please do me a favour and check out all my favourite "bloggers who write with every part of themselves": Tara, Fiona, Sarah, Grace and Tamsin.


7 comments

  1. Hey! I totally understand how you feel. There have been so many times where I've thought 'should I just shut down my site?' because I hadn't blogged much or I was struggling to write due to brain fog, hospital admissions an a severe lacking of spoons. But like you, I love writing. Sometimes it's hard with brain fog, isn't it? I scribble in a notebook whenever something pops into my head so I don't forget it, and also to help me with writing. Otherwise I sit there and my mind goes blank. I would love to know more about your conditions and see the procedures, too. I started vlogging my hospital appointments and procedures on my youtube channel, but I haven't done one in ages because I sometimes battle with doubt - do people want to see these? And now I think that I don't care what others think. Talking about our conditions and showing procedures help others understand chronic and invisible illness AND it may help someone else out there who has an appointment for a test you've posted about. I'm so glad to read that you've decided to take your blog back for yourself. I did that last year, and I have NEVER been as happy as I am right now. The way I see it is that it's damaging to supress your creativity and outlet just to suit others. Subbing to your blog. Also thank you SO much for mentioning me in this post. Seriously means a lot. Sending extra spoons and love. Tamsin xo

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    1. Thank you so much for stopping by! I'm so glad someone gets it, like it's difficult enough being ill, and working full time but to then also feel like you're letting people down is just too much. I wrote my dissertation whilst battling what I didn't know at the time was brain fog and I swear I have no idea how I passed haha!
      I bought a new notebook and so far notes are going good so here's hoping I'll have something for you to read soon :-). Thanks for the extra spoons and I hope you're having a gentle day. Xx

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  2. Glad to see you back lovely, but you definitely shouldn't feel pressured to blog constantly!! Looking forward to reading your new posts :) xx
    Holly ∣ Closingwinter

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    1. Thank you so much Holly! I'm glad to be back, and to finally be inspired as opposed to just churning out stuff I didn't really care about :-). Xx

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  3. The fibro fog absolutely sucks doesn't it!! I can go weeks feeling great and then one morning I'll wake up feeling like I've not slept for a year. Like you, I pretty much give up on blogging etc until my energy comes back, but I always know it will come back eventually which is why I don't hit that delete button! Keep smiling Hun xx

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  4. I recently started to get back into it after some time off, I think breaks are important. Luckily, it's not my job. I don't know how full-time creators do it. Great read!

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  5. I have only just come across your blog but so glad that I did. It could have been me writing this post as it is exactly how I feel now. I also have fine and have been struggling to come back from and unplanned blogging break. I hope that your flare has settled and look forward to following you. Amy x

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